A crisis is the worst possible setting in which to negotiate roles, money and authority. In the hospital corridor, the sibling who lives nearest silently becomes responsible for everything, the sibling abroad becomes a cash machine, and both quietly conclude they are carrying the family alone. That resentment usually outlives the illness by years.

A forty-five minute conversation can settle most of it. Where the important documents are - deeds, bank details, NIN, insurance, health records. Who is the primary decision-maker when a doctor needs an answer in ten minutes. What conditions and medications exist, which hospital is preferred, and whether there is an HMO. What a standing monthly contribution looks like, and crucially, who is doing time-work rather than money-work. Hospital visits, appointments and daily calls are contribution; write them down as contribution, or the person doing them will feel invisible and the person paying will feel exploited.

Open it by asking rather than announcing. Mummy, if something happened tonight, what would you want us to do, and where are your papers, is a question most elders are far more willing to answer than their adult children expect - many have been waiting to be asked. Then put the decisions in writing in the family group, so the plan is not living in one person's memory.